The myths of domestic violence

By: Nikki PhippsImagine having to live every day of your life in fear. This is the reality for victims of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation. This abuse is not only emotional but physical and sexual as well. Domestic violence and its effects are real and common misconceptions regarding this issue need to be addressed. I was a victim of domestic violence for nearly twelve years. I was continually assaulted not only by the hands of my husband but by his words, and our children witnessed the majority of these attacks. I was a prisoner in my own home, often isolated from family and friends and not permitted to work outside the home. I was expected to cook, clean, take care of the kids, and serve him.

Domestic violence is a crime, but because of numerous myths, society often does not acknowledge this. Instead, they perceive domestic violence with “blame the victim” attitudes. In the hopes that others will gain a better understanding regarding the dynamics of domestic violence, I hope to clear up some of these misguided beliefs. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people make the comment, “If it’s so bad, why don’t they just leave?” The single most misconception society has about domestic violence is the idea that it is the victim’s fault for staying. In fact, it is the abuser who is at fault. Most victims are simply afraid to leave. They or their children are often threatened. Some are literally unable to leave because the abuser will lock them inside the home, remove the phones, and take the children elsewhere as leverage. Because most victims are women, many have been falsely led to believe that they are responsible for holding the family together. By leaving, they will also feel a sense of failure. Due to the constant ridicule they have endured, these women also have very low self-esteem, lacking the confidence needed in making a new life for themselves and their children. And many others simply do not have anywhere to go.

Why don’t they just call the police? Due to the lack of specialized training, many authorities may also be guilty of not taking this crime seriously. Police are sometimes reluctant to arrest offenders, prosecutors don’t often pursue cases, and judges sometimes fail to enforce harsh sentences. At a time when victims are facing even more danger by leaving, they are not always guaranteed safety. Offenders go to great lengths to find these women; they are perceived as property and if they can’t have them, no one will. Nearly one-half of the women murdered in this country are killed by a male partner. During my marriage, I made seven attempts to leave. Threats on my life were constant. He threatened my family, my friends, and anyone attempting to help me. Even after I left for good, he found me, breaking into my home and assaulting me as the children watched. I had a protective order against him, but it made no difference. Unless these are enforced, women remain in fear.

Another myth is that these women actually provoke the attacks. First of all, nothing a woman says or does gives just cause to hurt her. Secondly, this violence is oftentimes triggered by anything or even nothing at all. I once got smacked for reading a book and not giving him my full attention. He threw out an entire dish of meatloaf and chastised me because I forgot to add bell peppers to it. Some people believe that drugs and alcohol are to blame as well. Although drugs/alcohol may sometimes contribute to abuse, it is often just an excuse. Many abusers are sober during violent episodes. Society also exhibits the belief that domestic violence simply does not affect them, but merely a small portion of the population. In reality, at least 3-4 million women are beaten each year with nearly 3 million children witnessing the abuse. People may also believe that domestic violence only occurs among the poorly educated or lower class. Again, not true. Domestic violence occurs among all classes, races, religions, ages, and cultures. Even same-sex relationships experience domestic violence.

Educating society is the best way to fight domestic violence. Instead of blaming the victim, people need to blame the abuser. Instead of asking why women stay, people need to ask what it is that helps them get out. Providing a safe place for them to go and offering better resources are essential. It is important for both law officials and court systems to enforce protective orders with stiffer sentences. Domestic violence education needs to be implemented in our schools, healthcare facilities, and judicial system. The focus should be on helping rather than ignoring the issue. Society needs to stop stereotyping victims of domestic violence. It can happen to anyone, perhaps even to someone you know.

Read the Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook for more information